Message in a bottle

**for those who don't know, this blog is set up for my son. I do appreciate it when people read my blog, but some of these articles may be helpful and are on a personal nature. This is a story of my first job out of high school. I was a baggage handler at the Portland Airport for Alaska Airlines.**

The day is April 24, 2000 at 1130pm or so. This was the last flight of the night, but we had a late passenger. So we pushed off and waited for the late bag. Because this lady didn't have a handgun permit she didn't claim it with check in. As the bag came up, I jogged over to get it, I wanted to go home. Normally when I put a bag in the pit(underneath the plane) I would jump up and toss the bag over the net. Instead I just opened the door and threw it over the net, but I hear a bang like a cap gun.

After the bang I started to smell sulfur. I thought I broke something because if a bag has fragile or gun sticker we're extra careful. I called my lead over and told him that I tossed the bag over the net and I think I broke something, but I smelt sulfur and didn't know what it was. The lead got up in the pit and grabbed the bag. When we opened it to see what was broken, we saw two guns. They were .357 fully loaded except for one bullet. Normally if someone claims a gun on a flight they separate the cartridges from the gun and put them in a plastic case. We double checked for the gun sticker and didn't find one.

We then started looking in the pit to see where the bullet went or was. We ended up finding that the bullet went through the pit door and through the ceiling. That was the last part of the investigation I was in. We were told to unload the plane and load the bags onto another plane. I started working to unload the bags when the pilot came down onto the tarmac and started talking about the top side investigation. He said that when they went to deboard the plane a mother of an 18 month old little girl went to pick up her diaper bag just put under the seat. When she picked up the bag, milk spilt all over the place, so when they picked out the bottle they found the bullet. I was already shaking while unloading the bags, so hearing that story started to make me cry. I joined the Marines to kill enemies of the USA, not to kill US citizens (I got a med els because of my hips before the end of boot camp).

By the time we were done the airport police arrived. I had to give them my statement, then went into the office to fill out more paper work. When I got home and relaxed a little from the event of the night, that's when things got really scary. After about 20 or so minutes of relaxing, I started to have my first panic attack. I started shaking, I blacked out a little, I thought I could fly out my third story window if I could just rip off my skin. A voice, I come to later know as my spirit or soul, stopped me twice that night from jumping. It told me that what was going on wasn't real, I couldn't fly and I needed my skin. I went through each time, I came to in a running stance facing my window.

I went in the next day to quit my job and was told that I couldn't and was forced onto workman's comp. I decided to take workman's comp because I had no choice. I started looking for work a few days later and found a job a week before I returned to the airport. I went to work for the airport and gave my notice a couple of days after coming back. I ended up leaving earlier than that because the medication they were giving me made me black out and I damaged a $250,000 part.

Shortly after that I lost my other job, this started a downhill spiral for me for about 5 years. I spent 3 years on only 2 hours sleep a night. For 5 years or so I was on and off the streets. I would find a job, after 3-6 months I would have a downward spiral and sit in a corner for 3 days until I got my no call no shows, then I would take my check and buy a bus ticket to another town and get in a shelter to do the same thing all over again. When I got to San Francisco, that all changed. It was 2006 and I met some wonderful people. I had someone point me towards college, this is what started pushing me in the right direction. By that time though, I'd been hospitalized 8 times.

I made one mistake, but a good one because I wouldn't have you otherwise. I passed the UA and knew I would pass the background check, or so I thought. I quit my job on some bad advice from a friend, always give notice, but something came up in my background I didn't know about and lost the job. It was a $70,000 job working for Washington Mutual doing project management. Because the job fell through, I went homeless again, I had what I thought would be my last mental breakdown. It was the longest I stayed in the hospital (10 days). I swore from that day forward I wouldn't quit a job unless I had another one because that's what ended up putting me in the hospital. I got into an altercation with another homeless guy because of a bathroom stall of all thing (they're crackheads after all). I went through 6 weeks of 5-10 panic attacks a day (not sure of exact number but it's close).

I met your mother 8 months later. When I met her she was wonderful, my soul mate. When we found out you were on the way, we prepared with joy for you. We were in the middle of an economic collapse, so to prove a point because she said she couldn't find work, I applied to 3 random jobs. In May of 2009 I landed a job at Xpressbet, when I got the job I told your mother she could have her maternity leave and could stay home as long as she needed. We really wanted to give you a full time parent at home if we could. Because the management allowed favorite employee's to get away with anything, I ran across Ryan Kimberling. He was a hot head with a power trip and hatred toward me. Not only did I take the place of a guy who died and was their best friend, but as Ryan later told me, he didn't like the fact that I was getting paid more than him and he was training me. It wasn't my fault that they paid me based upon my experience. Needless to say this along with a fear based environment didn't pan out well for my PTSD and Panic Attacks.

After 3 months on the job I asked your mother to look for work, and she did. Because of the economic collapse work was hard to find, that's why I held out so long. I stayed there for some basic reasons. I promised myself that you would never be homeless, I didn't want DHS or any other state government taking you from us, and I had a duty as husband and father to keep a roof over your head and food in your belly. Because it was taking a long time for your mother to find a job, I was being destroyed phsycologically (not her fault). I held out as long as I could, but eventually I called your mom and told her I either need to quit my job or check into a hospital because I couldn't last another second there. We chose for me to quit. I've never been so scared in my life because we needed to keep a roof over your head.

Before I left Xpressbet though I went into some emergency counseling. I knew 2 months before I quit what was going on and I had to stop it (that's probably what got me to the point of quitting). In my emergency counseling all we talked about was how this had helped to destroy our marriage. He helped me here and there, but I wasn't getting the help I needed, which is why 3 weeks later I quit Xpressbet. I think at this time I started to subconsciously prepare for your mothers departure. Six months later we were talking about divorce and Eight months later it happened. We tried to save the marriage, but it wasn't until I went into my hospitalization that I realized I should have been there the day I left Xpressbet.

What's the message?

What I'm trying to tell you is that I've fought long and hard, but now I may be losing that fight. Life has a lot to offer and is always worth fighting the good fight, no matter what. This is a story of triumph for me because I held out as long as I could at Xpressbet, never mind the ultimate consequences, I never gave up. Unfortunately, things my get rough and ugly for me, that's why I'm making sure to tell you this now.

When I had my final breakdown when your mother and I decided on divorce, it wasn't for the reasons anyone thinks. I had my breakdown because I fought until everything was set up. When your mother finally got hired on full time is when I relaxed and went to the wind. I subconsciously knew that everything was going to be ok. I suffered too much damage at Xpressbet to recover from, I'll be happy to just have a minimum wage job and keep a roof over my head.

When I had that breakdown I was going to commit suicide, but the look in your mothers eyes brought me to reality long enough to call for some help. You've been my reason for not doing it because I want to be an inspiration to you. As you're going through life and having your troubles, know I'll be there in the background, even if I'm a vegetable. Remember this story every time life throws you a curve ball, you'll see that good things are out there, I hope you look back and see that your dad fought through it and never gave up. I have great expectations of you kid, I hope that you find eternal happiness. Be a family man because that's where your riches lay.

Why are we being insane?

The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Why have we for so many generations kept doing the same thing, all we're doing is killing ourselves slowly.

The role of government is to foster growth and innovation, not restrict it through regulation. Government is there to provide for the general welfare for the people of the United States, not kill it.

You ask yourself, "why is everything getting worse?", but yet you do nothing to figure out why because if you do, you'll be forced to act on it. Are you afraid to find out that who you thought was your friend is your enemy or are you trying not to acknowledge that you've been robbed blind. It's time to wake up and face our problems so that we as a nation can heal the wounds of failed leaders and policies.

It's not governments responsibility to support you, it's only responsibility to you is to foster your greatest gift, your mind. When the mind is free from requesting permission and fostered, prosperity will ensue. As long as we continue to pick the lesser of two evils instead of the guy who's really good for the job, we'll continue on our road of insanity.